My husband and I have been asked to make a statement in support of the students from Pace University who are currently speaking out against university policy and against treatment directed at them by the university for their actions at a recent visit by President Bill Clinton.
My husband, Sgt. Kevin Benderman, served honorably in the US Army for 10 years, and after serving a combat tour in Iraq, returned home and wrestled with his choices, return to war or follow his heart and refuse to participate in actions he could not condone by filing for Conscientious Objector status. Kevin chose the latter and followed all regulations and procedures in the process. The Army command, whether by inadequate training or simple disregard for this soldier, did not follow the regulations and their actions ultimately led to a charge of missing movement being brought against my husband.
My husband fulfilled his duty and followed every regulation he was required to, even while he was being court-martialed for an offense he did not commit. The Record of Trial shows that the command was confused, that the orders that should have been given were never given, and that they did not follow regulations by their own admission stating that “if I had known what the procedure was, I would have taken steps to correct my actions.” What more admission is needed?
Regardless, the command did not stand up and admit to their mistakes – rather than do the right thing and respect the honorable service of this soldier, they chose to manipulate the evidence to protect themselves, and to keep their inadequate leadership hidden from view. Because they could not stand up to do the right thing, my husband went to jail for 15 months. He has done nothing wrong – and the leadership cannot seem to admit to their failing.
My husband and I are now 3000 miles away from each other, paying exorbitant phone bills to stay in contact, and hoping that we still have a home and our one truck to drive once we have made it through the madness. We must work to show that what we have known all along – Kevin followed the regulations and we gave the commanders every opportunity to do the right thing, leaving it up to them to choose whether they would have the integrity and moral fortitude to face their mistakes or cover them – is the truth.
What could have been corrected in a single minute of truth-telling on the part of the command is now an effort that becomes mired deeper and deeper in manipulations and falsehoods as the command does its best to keep from having to “look bad” as leaders. For every lie told, another must be remembered, and soon a book is needed to remember the stories. This is how distrust starts. Not because we distrust others, but because we distrust ourselves when the stories grow so long that we become afraid of what we will forget we said.
Two sides are involved in a process and somewhere along the way actions are taken by people who think they understand the rules and regulations but have never really opened the book. The sides react as patience and compassion wear thin and soon dialogue ends and shouting and accusations begin.
This is how wars start.
The way to keep a war from starting? Don’t rely on others to know the rules. Know them yourselves – understand them – and realize that the rules exist for the whole, not for one group or another.
Have compassion and understanding for others. Listen. Be willing to hear both sides and be willing to explain your position several times if needed for others to understand, knowing that as difficult as it is for someone else to understand what you are thinking, it is just as difficult for you to understand them. Be Patient.
Realize that we all make mistakes. Mistakes are not the problem. Not admitting to them and doing what we can to amend them is the problem. Covering them up for fear of being seen as weak is a problem. Over-reacting to someone when they do admit to their mistake is a problem that keeps people from wanting to ever be honest about anything they may have done wrong.
Remember – we are all human beings but we all come from different circumstances. Together, our humanity makes us equal and gives us all the right to choose how we live. But our circumstances add the spice that keeps us all individual and able to help keep humanity growing toward peace in this world. Acceptance of our differences is just as important as believing we are all the same. Expecting all in the world to think alike, to share the same thoughts and aspirations, is a very unrealistic dream.
Know the rules and be honest with yourself when you assess them. If the rules are founded on sound principles and an appreciation for good order and respect for all individuals, then follow them. When you know that you have, and you are still charged with violating them, trust yourself and your circumstances to know that the truth will prove itself on your side. It always does, even if it is not always as fast as we would like. That’s where faith comes in. If you have done everything according to your principles, and you know you have followed the rules that make sense according to those principles; if you are not asking anymore for yourself than you are willing to give to others who do not agree with you, then you have nothing to fear. Truth will win.
Present the facts in your dealings with others and maintain respect for yourself in the process by showing respect for the value of the rules – The Rules (do you know what those are?) If you must resort to presenting facts in a distorted manner, if you must exaggerate the conditions, if you must slander others or disrespect your own bearing in the process of proving your point, chances are you are hiding the fact that you, too, might have misunderstood the rules. Go back and read them – really read them this time – and be willing to meet your adversary halfway. You might just find that you never really had an adversary.
For the students of Pace University, we do not know the entire story. We only know yours. We wish you patience, and we wish you understanding in the steps you choose to take. We wish you common sense and a willingness to approach the matter with an open-mind and with respect for the fact that sometimes we react to a situation without a full understanding of what the “other side” was thinking.
It is a very hurtful thing to make accusations against someone without facts to support it. Kevin and I know firsthand just how destructive such an action can be to the lives of real people. We know the negative effects it can have on those who are accused, but also on those making the accusations.
Be careful in what you do. You are young and you have bright minds, but you have a long way to go and many experiences to live through before you have the wisdom to know all that you wish you knew now. Take your time and learn what you must – walk slowly because the world will be here for a very long time, and it will need you in the years when you have come to understand what you are fighting so hard to prove you know, now.
Know that there are many who are there to support you as we move toward a greater understanding of Peace and just what that means. But also know – we all have a very long way to go before we can honestly say that we truly understand just what Peace means.